An Open Letter to Mitt Romney

www.clowncrack.com

(work of the relentlessly righteous and bitterly crude Mr. Fish)


Dear Mitt,

Let me begin by expressing my admiration for your political genius. A moneyed candidate from Massachusetts, whose selling point in the primary was his electability against a hated incumbent? The nation hasn’t seen a contender like you since 2004! Your groundbreaking electoral maneuvers will no doubt be the subject of talking heads’ books for months to come.

Unfortunately, despite the many strengths of your campaign, you’re still behind in key swing states. You know as well as I that you can’t just cross your fingers and hope the new poll taxes will save you. It’s true that much of Obama’s base is, ahem, “disappointed” with his administration – but at the end of the day, aren’t they going to suck it up and vote for the Lesser Evil? At best, they simply won’t vote for either of you.

That’s where I come in.

I am, as it happens, something of a Mildly Radical Leftist. (Yeah, it’s an oxymoron; welcome to my life.) I’m one of those, uh, “disappointed” members of Obama’s base. And I’m going to vote for you on November 2nd. Better yet, there’s probably nothing you could do to lose my vote. You could impale kittens on red horns growing out of your skull while questioning the legitimacy of my favorite musician, and I’d still be sold.

That’s sort of my point. All those, er, “disappointed” members of Obama’s base? Right now, they think he’s the Lesser Evil. Put me at the helm of a SuperPAC, and I’ll help them understand that the Lesser Evil is the greater one. See, for the past 3½ years, people like me haven’t been able to criticize the President. It’s not for lack of trying. Doing so sends us down a rabbit hole of questions, with answers like: No, I’m not with the Tea Party. Yes, I am a leftist. No, it’s not because he’s Black. Yes, the GOP is crushing labor. No, a President who pushes free trade bills is not pro-labor. See where I’m going here, Mitt?

With the corporate toadie in the White House being called a “socialist” and a “Marxist,” the actual left-wing is hopelessly marginalized. Here’s this bourgeois tool speaking for us, co-opting our rhetoric while bombing children and pooping on civil liberties! Give me a soapbox to stand on, and I can turn liberal “disappointment” into frothing fucking Radical Rage!

Still not sold? Watch me spin Obama’s “progressive” accomplishments like a DJ (that’s a “disc jockey.” No, it doesn’t have anything to do with horses, it’s – never mind). Getting rid of Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell? Please! “You still can’t get married in 42 states, but now you have the privilege of risking your life to blow up innocent people on the other side of the world!” Boom. Healthcare reform? Try “insurance reform,” and a wasted chance to fight for single-payer healthcare. I mean look, I’m no policy expert, but looking at this venn diagram…

Depressingly enough, this image probably comes from a libertarian-conservative source.

…do I really need to be?

Admittedly, some valued columns of the radical left might be a tough sell. Feminists and LGBTQueers actually have legitimate beefs with you that they don’t have with Mr. O. And no self-respecting follower of the Black nationalist tradition can ignore the reality that a Black man is President. But these folks, contrary to what you might think, are not single-minded in their politics.

Check it: Obama hasn’t ended the wars so much as ended the anti-war movement. He’s stopped taking “enemy combatants” to Guantanamo, preferring to have Alleged Militants (sometimes Americans) shot to bits by drones (which are now being used domestically by police). He’s ended Bush’s practice of “enhanced interrogation” while continuing extraordinary renditions;  now other countries can do our torturing for us while we wring our greasy hands. He’s retroactively legalized what President Bush did extralegally. He has subverted causes near and dear to Black, Indigenous, feminist, queer, and other ID politics in ways that you can only dream of.

You can see why I’m voting for you. Jill Stein would be, as they say, a Wasted Vote. (She’s really a pre-1980s Democrat, anyway.) Abstaining altogether would mean that I’m Not Allowed to Complain (because presidential elections are totally a real choice). No, I’m voting for you. Hire me, and so will my comrades. At least with you in charge, our words won’t be overwritten with fauxgressive bullshit.

Yours in spite,

-Joel R

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